If you know me at all, then you know I’m a hugger. And you’ve probably also received a love letter in the mail from me. I’m a lover, not a hater….. a touchy, wordy lover.
Merrick and I have finished reading “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman. This book seriously is INCREDIBLE. He writes with a Christian background, but his theories can be practiced in any relationship, anywhere. He has one written for couples, singles and for children. Christian or not, everyone needs a little love! And by learning your partners (or your child, or your friend’s) love language can really transform your relationship! In fact, Chapman says in his book it is imperative to be FLUENT in your partner’s love language. But like learning any language, it’s hard. It requires diligence, hard work and practice practice practice!
Chapman states that everyone has a “love language”, a way we receive and show love. These primary languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. You may be a combination of the languages too. And ironically, most people are drawn to partners who have different love languages.
Words of Affirmation: To this person, words are very important. Tone of voice really matters with what you’re saying. Compliments are also very important. Hearing “I love you.” and WHY you love them are really important to the wordy lover. Insults and criticisms can be very hurtful and are difficult to let go of. In addition to receiving love through words of affirmation, most people in this category also show love this way as well (in fact, most people give love in the same language they receive it in). These people are quick with a compliment and usually try to find something positive to say about someone or a situation.
Quality Time: You’ve heard the old phrase, “How do you spell love? T-I-M-E.” To the person who loves quality time, nothing says “I love you” like your full, undivided attention. TV off. Texts ignored and fully focusing on them. Interruptions, not listening, and failure to be there really hurt the quality time lover. Simply having a dinner together or having a long walk really show the QT’er how much you love them. This QT lover, conversely, will give YOU their full attention as well. They will look you in the eye, not interrupt, suggest doing things together or will sit extra close on the couch.
Receiving Gifts: Chapman says this language is the easiest of the love languages to learn. The gifty person feels most loved when they are given something thoughtful and hand picked for them. It’s NOT about money or material possessions, it’s the thought and effort going into a gift that speaks volumes to this person. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “The person who gave this to me was really thinking of me.” The gifty lover longs to be thought of in this way. A gifty lover can be so thrilled with even the simplest gift – a handmade card or a picture frame, something from the dollar store, etc. The catch to this one is to not wait until a special occasion to give a gift. If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts and they only receive gifts on birthdays or Christmas, there’s a good chance they will start to feel unloved. Keep in mind also if your partner is a gifty lover, that a missed special occasion (anniversary, birthday, etc) or a hasty, thoughtless gift will be really hurtful to this person.
Acts of Service: Vacuuming, cleaning up, cooking, organizing, making the bed… these are all ways the AOS lover receives love. To the non-AOS lover, these tasks may seem mundane and necessary and not all that loving, but seeing these actions done really makes the AOS lover’s heart soar! The key to this one is for the AOS lover to not demand that these mundane tasks be done. The AOS lover’s partner needs to to the tasks lovingly and without resentment. The AOS lover will likely make requests for tasks to be done, but it is in the hands of their partner to do the act lovingly. Laziness, broken commitments and making more work for the AOS lover will leave them feeling unloved.
Physical Touch: This one’s simple and extends past the bedroom. Hugs, back rubs, leg pats, holding hands, etc… these are the things that make the touchy lover (like yours truly!) feel very loved. Lack of affection make the touchy lovers feel rejected and unwanted.
As you might have guessed, I am physical touch and words of affirmation. My Hus is receiving gifts and acts of service. These different ways we experience love has been very difficult. We’ve gone through a lot of times feeling unloved and misunderstood. He requests me to wipe the counter and I grumble about doing the chores. I want him to hold me close and he pushes me away. Of course marriage and love are work (man, HARD work if you ask me!) and it’s teaching us to be less selfish (ah I hate learning these life lessons!). However, after reading Chapman’s book, we are much more acutely AWARE of what the other needs. Although I still don’t like doing the mundane tasks, I know he really feels loved by me when I serve him with love (as opposed to serving with resentment or grumbling). And I know when he’s mad at me and doesn’t want to be close, he pushes aside his anger to hold my hand or hold me, I really feel his love.
We’re still practicing to become fluent in each other’s languages (I still just don’t GET how me doing the tasks that need to be done really make him feel loved! Blows my mind…) but awareness is the first step. We still need reminders often about what we need RIGHT NOW from the other person (”Would you mind clearing the table?” or “Hug me please?”), but I must say, it is becoming easier. We are becoming more fluent in loving each other and honestly, the knowing and the loving is everything.
So anyway, this post was supposed to be more of a way to love your mayyyyn and less of a plug for the book, but thank you Dr. Chapman for giving us tools to love each other more fully in ways we can understand and appreciate. And I absolutely recommend this book (as seen here) for everyone. Like I said, you don’t have to be in a relationship to apply these love languages. It applies to everyone else in your life too. I now know my Mother is a gifty lover, so I make extra efforts to send her little gifts every once in a while. My Pops is an AOS kinda guy, so whenever I’m home I try to mow the lawn for him or make him a nice dinner.
It’s loving in the little things that make up a lifetime of big things.
Loving on me in one of the best ways he (now) knows how!
I thought the purple earrings, purple headband and purple bracelet would do the trick to look less egg-y, but no dice. Oh well.
